Childfree Venting

OK, if you’re easily offended by childfree rantings, steer clear. If you want to hear what has pissed me off this time, read on.

Quoth Prudie, “No one has parents who say, “I hope my child grows up to marry someone wonderful and they don’t have children together.””
OMFG. You did not just say that. Damn straight you’re “offending all happy childless people” you pretentious knowitall.

1. You can’t know that for sure.
2. Last time I checked, the wishes of our parents were not requirements (good thing too or some folks I know would be pretty miserable)
3. Quit motherfucking guilttripping us! ARGH!

Even if it were true, what parents should say, “I hope my child grows up to lead a happy and fulfilling life,” or “I hope my child does what makes them feel fulfilled and is a productive member of society” or something. We are NOT our parents. What makes our parents happy does not automatically make us happy. Please note how much I freaking hate teaching while my Mom loves it. (Actually, I love teaching kids who want to learn, but that’s something totally different. Frankly, I could never teach another day in my life and be happy.)
I really wish more people would get that through their thick skulls. “Success” in life is not something you measure with a checklist that reads “married, kids, grandkids.” Okay? Whether someone has kids or not has no bearing on the awesomeness of their parents. (Well, okay, if a person who really shouldn’t be reproducing does have a kid it might reflect poorly on their parents, but that’s a separate rant.)
I really really wish that people would quit judging others based on how similar they are to the judger’s personal template. Just because I’m heterosexual doesn’t mean I want kids. Okay? And regardless of whether I want them or not, why is it everybody’s goddamned business??? It’s a personal decision, geez!
It’s shit like this that makes me want to answer every person who asks when I’m going to have kids with a quivering lip and “I’d really *sniffle* rather not discuss it *stifled sob*” so they’ll feel guilty. Sheesh.
What I actually wrote to her (after reading a column in which she talked about the backlash she got) was this:

Dear Ms. Yoffe,
I read your column “My Mommy War” and wanted to answer your question “What is going on when there is so much scorn for parenthood—the way a society perpetuates itself?”
I think a lot of the “scorn” is defensive. Those of us who are childfree by choice are bombarded constantly by people telling us we are wrong, that we’ll change our minds, that we’re unnatural. People assume that just because I’m young (28) and female I must want kids. It’s infuriating, but to lash out at a near-stranger who’s just said “congrats on your engagement, when will you have kids?” is societally inappropriate. Repressing that irritation over and over again just makes it grow exponentially – and so we’re a lot harsher on the rare occasions that we are societally permitted to vent our spleen.
The real reason, I think, that our birth rates are dropping around the world is that so many people are highly educated. There is a known correlation between level of education and number of children – the more academic you are, the less likely you are to have kids. Sure, there are exceptions, but when you see a happy momma with six kids, she’s rarely a PhD.
I think the root of this correlation is that education teaches us to examine our choices carefully and consider their ramifications – and if you’re not a naturally maternal gal (which I’m not), raising a child looks like a life sentence to unhappiness. The people I know with young kids frequently look miserable. They’re tired, overworked, bombarded with noise, covered in icky substances… bleah. Sure, there are those Hallmark moments, but if (like me) you’re not much for cutsey stuff, that’s not all that appealing. And then once the kid gets older, you have to worry about grades, keep them safe, navigate their teenaged years… and even when they’re adults you’re never truly free of them!
Children aren’t like puppies where you can take them to an adoption agency some time down the road if they’re not working out. You can’t take them back for a refund. Once you have a kid you’re stuck – and if you genuinely are unhappy, there’s no way out. And, worse, being a resentful parent is incredibly hard on the child! I have chosen not to have kids because I am about 80% sure I won’t like being a mother – and I’m not willing to bet on that 20% chance that I will because if I lose, both the child and I will be utterly miserable. I wouldn’t do that to a defenceless child.
Anyway, I’m sorry you got berated for what was, really, a fairly low-key pro-breeding comment. I just wanted to drop you a line and try to explain where we’re coming from.

Cheers,
Ealasaid Haas
PS: if you don’t believe me that some parents genuinely regret having kids, check out these PostSecret cards:
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/trick.jpg
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/suppress.jpg
And if you don’t know about PostSecret, go to http://postsecret.blogspot.com , it’s the truest look at humanity you will ever see.