And people wonder why I say feminism is still necessary (note that by “feminism” I mean “working for equality between the sexes” not “hating men”).
In a recent column, Dan Savage published a letter by a woman who was raped by her boyfriend while she screamed and pleaded for him not to do the things he was doing. She wound up in the hospital, nearly unconscious from blood loss and requiring thirty stitches to repair the damage he did (he, thoughtful fellow, called 911 after his orgasm, since she was bleeding out). The boyfriend, his friends, and his family are all pressuring her to forgive him. She asks Dan if she should.
He, wisely, says no, and says that the asshole should be on his knees thanking his lucky stars she didn’t charge him with rape and try to get him thrown in jail. He points out that forgiving this guy will make the rape seem like an ok act to him, thus making him more likely to rape in the future. He also suggests that she see a counsellor to double-check that she’s really as okay with the whole thing as she seems to think she is.
I don’t always agree with Dan Savage – in fact, I generally only read his column when someone links to it to praise or condemn him. But this was a good reply, and I give him kudos for it. I am also horrified. That poor woman.
So, a quick review, since evidently some people out there (hopefully none in my readership, mind you, but still) seem to need it:
- A sex act performed without the consent of your partner is rape.
- Yes, even if it’s your girlfriend/wife/lover/boyfriend you’re doing it to.
- Yes, even if you use lube.
- Yes, even if you go slow.
- Yes, even if you use a condom.
- Yes, and especially if he/she is screaming and crying for you to stop the whole time you are doing it.
- Yes, even if you didn’t mean to hurt him/her.
- A sex act performed without the consent of your partner is rape.
If you stop in your tracks every time a prospective partner indicates unwillingness, you will not only not be a rapist, you will earn their gratitude (unless they are a mind-game-playing asshat, in which case you should leave them). The whole “oh, he/she says no now, but he’ll/she’ll love it once we get into it” thing is manipulative bullshit. When someone doesn’t want to engage in a sex act with you, forcing them to do it is rape. Period. ARGH.
I’ll cut and paste the piece below for posterity.
This isn’t the sort of question you usually answer, but I hope you will consider it anyway.
I was in a good relationship with a guy, Enis for naming’s sake, for three years. About a year ago, Enis asked me if we could have anal sex. I might lose your sympathy here, but I have no interest in anal sex at all. I had a traumatic experience with anal sex that resulted in some permanent damage; I cannot do it without a lot of pain.
I told Enis no and that I was surprised he asked given my past. I offered to do him, if that was what he was looking for. He refused, telling me he wasn’t gay. He asked me to reconsider a few more times, but I always told him no. Enis even attempted to just “add it in” while we were having sex once. It fucking hurt, and I flipped out on him. I told him I wasn’t going to change my mind, and if he had to have anal sex then he could have it with someone else, giving him an out if it mattered that much to him.
A month ago, we were making love. I was restrained to the bed; we did this all the time. The next thing I knew, he’s fingering my anus. I told him to stop, but he wouldn’t. He took his time, stretching and lubing. I was screaming and crying for him to stop the whole time. I won’t get into how much it hurt, but suffice it to say, I nearly passed out from blood loss as a result of his tearing open old scars. He freaked out when he saw the amount of blood on the bed and called 911. (This was after he’d had an orgasm). I spent a week in the hospital and ended up with 30 stitches to rerepair the damage. I’m still in a lot of pain.
I refused to see him while I was in the hospital. I didn’t take his calls. I gave the flowers he sent to other patients. He utterly and completely betrayed my trust. I trusted him with my safety when I let him restrain me, and he took advantage and hurt me. I want nothing to do with him ever again. I’ve been told he’s been on suicide watch at the local hospital several times since the incident. His friends and family tell me he’s sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me, and that I should forgive him. I realize that he may have not intended to hurt me; he did use lubrication, and attempted to open me up a bit first. If he had meant to hurt me then he would have just shoved his way in. But the fact is, I said no.
So, my question to you: Do I forgive him or let him wallow in guilt? I’m not traumatized (emotionally anyway), though of course my heart is broken, and I know I’ll move on. I am not pursuing legal action. He and his family paid for my medical bills and other expenses.
Thank you for your time.
No Cute Acronym
Forgive him? Your ex wants you to forgive him? His friends and family are pestering you about forgiving him?
Good fucking God.
Your ex should get down on his knees twice a day and thank his lucky fucking stars that you didn’t press charges. He raped you—you know that, right? The word “rape” doesn’t appear anywhere in your letter, NCA, which I hope isn’t a sign that you see this “incident” as anything other than a full-blown sexual assault. So what if Enis used lube? So what if he took his time? Some rapists use condoms and say “please” and “thank you.” They’re still rapists.
And, I’m sorry, but why aren’t you pressing charges?
On to Enis: So your ex feels awful about this. The poor little douche feels so very, very terrible that he’s had to be hospitalized. Why, he’s even contemplated suicide. Good. He should feel terrible. Forever. Which is why I hereby forbid you to forgive Enis. Ever. Make the mistake of forgiving this speck of shit, NCA, and 10 minutes later a little voice in the back of his head would start telling him that this rape wasn’t that big a deal—after all, the woman he tied up, anally raped, and landed in the hospital didn’t press charges…she even forgave him…how bad could it really have been…no reason he shouldn’t pull this same stunt with his next girlfriend….
We can’t have that, NCA, so Enis’s family and friends will just have to go fuck themselves. And if you find yourself wavering, if you find yourself tempted to forgive him, consider this: Enis is attempting to bully you into forgiving him just as he attempted to bully you into anal sex. But since he can’t tie you to a bed and fuck forgiveness from you, he’s using the threat of suicide to get what he wants. Repeat after me, NCA: Enis had no right to fuck with your ass then, and he has no right to fuck with your head now.
Finally, I’m sorry you felt I might not sympathize with you—a woman brutalized by someone she thought she could trust—due to your lack of interest in anal sex. No one has to “do” anal sex to win my sympathy. I’m a fan, as everyone knows, but anal sex isn’t a litmus test. In addition to feeling sympathy for you, NCA, I sincerely hope that you weren’t emotionally traumatized by this experience, as you claim. It would be a good idea, however, to see a counselor once or twice just to make sure.
