The Chronically Ill Patient’s Guide to Dealing With Doctors

Anyone who’s met my mother knows she has what is often tactfully referred to as a “strong personality.”

When I had knee problems as a kid, and the first orthopedist we went to said something like “eh, if it hurts, she shouldn’t do it,” she took me to another. And another. And another. And when we’d seen all the ones in our local medical group (and gotten a diagnosis that was essentially “you will have shitty knees forever, suck it up”), she took me down to Kerlan-Jobe, one of the foremost orthopedics and sports medicine clinics in the country.

She didn’t give up. She didn’t listen to the doctors who said stupid shit (like that as a girl I shouldn’t be so active anyway), or the ones who had no helpful suggestions (“well, there’s this surgery where we even out your knees by damaging the healthy muscle so it’s as weak as the weak muscle…”). She went for second and third and fourth opinions, until we finally saw a doctor who was knowledgeable and willing to work with us rather than just trying to get us out of the office. (He basically said, “welp, your knees suck. Let’s talk about pain management and how to do the sports you want to do without making them worse.”).

I learned a lot from watching how she dealt with doctors. Let’s talk about the things I learned.

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The Chronically Ill Patient’s Guide to Dealing with Insurance

So, I have a few chronic illnesses (fibromyalgia, migraines, carpal tunnel syndrome, chondromalacia patellae — the fancy term for shitty knees, and depression among others).

My parents handled doctors and insurance for me when I was a kid, but now I’m an adult, I’ve had to learn to do it myself.

Now, I’m not a professional. This is based on a decade or so of experience, plus two decades watching my parents and taking mental notes, but I have zip training as an insurance adjuster/biller, or anything like that, okay? I’m just trying to offer the tips I have in case they can help others.

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Yup, We’re Moving

So, those of y’all who follow me and/or Nate on various social media sites or interact with us in person a lot have probably noticed we go to Portland, Oregon a lot. Like, a lot lot.

Some of y’all have already heard this, but I know a lot haven’t, so: we’ve decided to go there on a more long-term basis. With all our stuff. As in, we’re moving up there.

We are psyched. I’m also nervous, as I’ve never moved out of state before and never moved all my crap more than about half an hour from my parents’ place before (even when I lived in England, I had a bedroom that was my bedroom at their place, and it was the same bedroom I’d had since I was three).

This is also affording me the opportunity to go through all my stuff, sort the stuff from the crap, and get rid of the crap. I have a lot of crap in with my lot of stuff (seriously, I found my 1998 tax return in a box I went through last week. WTF, self?). It’s pretty liberating, though. I feel sort of like I’m curating my life. Some things I’m archiving, others I’m tossing/shredding/selling/donating. Anything that doesn’t pass the “is this worth schlepping up to Portland?” test gets put in the “out” pile.

I’m tracking my progress off and on here — before-and-after photos are really motivating! :) The hard part is remembering to take them.

FAQ

When are you moving?
April. This means that basically the first quarter of 2013 is, for me, The Quarter Of Preparing to Move. It’s pretty intense so far.

Do you have a place yet?
No. No, we do not, because it’s way too early to look for a rental. Everything available now has a move-in date of early February, pretty much. We’ll start looking for real in February some time but probably won’t have a place lined up until Marchish. I’m confident — we’ve been keeping an eye on the rental market up there for quite a while, so we have a good feel for what’s reasonable, and have a few apartment complexes spotted that are good candidates if we can’t find a house to rent.

Why Portland???
Because Portland is awesome. It’s laid back and chill, and we know folks up there, and it’s definitely our cup of tea.

Do you have jobs lined up?
I try not to talk about dayjob stuff on the blog, but let’s just say this is covered.

Are you culling your books?
No.

Comment Topic

Anybody who’s moved out-of-state with a shitload of heavy stuff (as in 40+ boxes of books and a bunch of bookcases, just to start with), please offer your dos and don’ts! We’re doing research and Nate has experience, but more info is always welcome.

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2012! Finito!

Welp, we made it, world. No Mayan Apocalypse, no giant asteroid or whatever. Just another series of days. And now it’s 2013. Which: wow.

2012 was long. Mostly the last three months or so. And I know I’m not the only person who experienced that!

A lot of stuff happened this year. In no particular order, I:

NYE

I have a lot planned for 2013, but that’s another post. :) Nate and I spent the last week and a half up in Portland chilling out and relaxing, and I’ve been using the mental bandwidth to plot the hell out of the upcoming year.

So. Thank you, 2012! I learned a lot.

2013, I hope you’re ready to go, cos I’m hitting the ground running soon as my plane lands back home. Ya better keep up!

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More thoughts on Borderlands 2

So. I have now finished Borderlands 2 on Normal Mode and finished the two DLC expansions. Some spoilers below.

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How Gearbox Fucked Up Borderlands 2

OK, so the last time I blogged about Borderlands 2, it was about one of the chief designers saying something stupid and dismissive about women.

And now I’m about to blog about it negatively again. And I never did get around to writing up a huge “Why I love Borderlands” (the first game), which bothers me, because I love that game so much I have played it start-to-finish about half a dozen times.

But.

Last night, Nate and I played through three missions, two optional and one required, and all three of them made me feel bad. Like, I went to bed depressed last night instead of excited.

SPOILERS AHOY FOR THE REST OF THE POST

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Health Survey!

OMG y’all! Redefining Body Image is doing a survey. Go take it!

I found some of my answers to the questions useful, and thought I’d post them here. It’s really striking to me how much WORK my health is. No wonder I feel so busy!

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This week in ARGH

The Black Beast of ArghSo. I spent the last week trying, as an experiment, to only post positive things on social media. I mostly succeeded (drinking + early season one of the new Scooby-Doo = bitching about Velma being a horrible abusive gf to Shaggy), so go me!

There were, of course, loads of things I thought about posting and didn’t, so here they are now!

Awesome comic about Republicans and their rape comments. Funny, but in that way that’s bad for my blood pressure.

Romney’s campaign only cares about lies in attack ads when they’re attacking him. I really shouldn’t be surprised, but they’re being really fucking upfront about it. Fffffff

Three Videos Everyone Should See Before Voting. Most striking quote from the piece (emphasis mine):

Most women (and their spouses), whether personally comfortable with abortion or not, don’t automatically think about whether or not they might end up in jail, arrested while in labor or strapped to a hospital bed to undergo a forced Caesarian when they get pregnant. Laura Pemberton certainly didn’t before it happened to her. And what happened to her could just as easily happen to you or a girl or woman you know as a result of the insidious expansion of the “personhood” for zygote movement.

We Are All Sonali: Go read the whole thing (trigger warnings for torture, rape, death, you name it), but here are some excerpts to give you a taste of why I didn’t post it this week.

Today 27-year-old Sonali Mukherjee will have surgery to help reconstruct her face. It melted nine years ago, leaving a painful mask in its place, after three young men poured acid on her while she slept. This was their response to her fending off their relentless sexual advances as she made her way to school every morning. In India the ubiquitous harassment that women face is called, in a “family-friendly” euphemism, “eve baiting.”

The abuse and rape of women is oblivious to social status, education, race, nationality, ethnicity, or anything else. What Sonali asked for when she resisted her harassers every day, and what was denied to her when they attacked her, was the right to be female and in control of her own body. Men wanted to control her and wanted access to her body. Indeed, they felt that this access and control were their birthright. Her culture, the men and women in it, supporting the notion that her body was somehow public property, allowed this to happen. When she did not comply, they punished her severely. They invaded her privacy. They violated her bodily integrity. They ignored her autonomy, and they damaged her body horrifically. They denied her her agency. Does this sound familiar yet?

Tom Smith’s Idiotic Rape Comments Prove That Some Men Still Think They Own Their Wives And Daughters – fantastic, depressing-as-shit look at the horrifying comments Tom Smith (a Republican candidate for Senate) made recently about rape.

Yoga gear from companies that think a 12-14 is XL tells big people that they’re not allowed in. It’s exclusionary, bigoted, and offensive. CURVY YOGA EXISTS, BITCHES. Hell, athletic catalogues in general. So many of them list their XL as being 12-14 or even 14-16. That is the national fucking average, you asshats. I want spiffy workout clothes too! GRR!

Confused About Rape? Occupy the Dictionary – A look at the bullshit people — not just Republicans, mind you! — say about rape, and a fascinating proposition about a possible source and a possible solution. Fabulous, but uncomfortable reading.

The Wire – a beautiful, difficult essay on the right to choose.

Mitt Romney tells 533 lies in 30 weeks, Steve Benen documents them Now, some of them are the same lie repeated — the masochist in me kind of wants to start a WordPress site with a single page for each lie or genre of lie, and link to sources and so on, but at this point that would be a full-time job. I know politicians lie, but these are so obviously bald-faced that it’s pretty astonishing.

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The Hairs, They are A-Changin’

So! My recent post about my long hair was spawned from something I’ve been chewing on lately: having long hair at all.

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The Problem with “Girlfriend Mode”

So. There’s been a bit of a kerfluffle around a very stupid thing a designer over at Gearbox said. What he said was:

The design team was looking at the concept art [of the Mechromancer class] and thought, you know what, this is actually the cutest character we’ve ever had. I want to make, for the lack of a better term, the girlfriend skill tree. This is, I love Borderlands and I want to share it with someone, but they suck at first-person shooters. Can we make a skill tree that actually allows them to understand the game and to play the game? That’s what our attempt with the Best Friends Forever skill tree is.

Now, let’s set aside the sexism already inherent in Borderlands. Let’s set aside my near-rabid love for the game (yes, it’s sexist as shit and I love it anyway.). What, exactly, is wrong with what he said?

Well, let’s consider the assumptions built in. “The girlfriend skill tree” is a skill tree for people who “suck at first-person shooters.” It will let them “understand” and “play” the game. In other words, without this tree, they will not understand (implying they’re stupid) or be able to play (implying they’re inept) the game.

Now note that the skill tree is not being called “the girlfriend skill tree” in game. In-game, it’s not sexist. Hell, the existence of the tree? Not sexist! It’d be a great way for an expert gamer to play with any n00b gamer — kids, folks who’ve never played FPS games, etc.

What is sexist here is that the designer took all these ideas (stupid, inept, can’t play FPS games well) and rolled them up into exactly one type of person: a “girlfriend.”

This assumes two things: 1: the default gamer is either a dude or a lesbian. 2: said gamer’s girlfriend sucks at games and is probably a little stupid.

Are there couples where this is the case? Sure!

However. There are loads of couples  out there where both play FPS and rule at ’em. There are couples where the “girlfriend” is better at FPSs.

And, most importantly: there are about a zillion better things to call this skill tree. The fact that the designer not only went straight to “girlfriend” but said there was no viable other term? That shit is sexist. The fact that “girlfriend mode” is a known concept and thus the first thing his brain reached for? That shit is sexist.

Seriously, here’s a list, just off the top of my head, of better words to use than “girlfriend”:

  1. n00b
  2. kindergarten
  3. easy
  4. helper
  5. training-wheels (my favorite, because it implies that the person could get better and not need the leg-up anymore)
  6. buddy

And I’m not even trying here.

Naturally, people are coming out of the woodwork (so far, looks like it’s all dudes who are gamers) to defend Gearbox and the designer. In one way, they’re right: this isn’t that big a deal in the big scheme of things.

What it is, however, is yet another piece of evidence that Gearbox, games like Borderlands, the FPS genre in general, and video gaming overall are full of sexism. Sometimes that sexism is overt, sometimes it’s more subtle. No real surprise, our society is full of sexism, and communities built mostly of dudes get extra full of sexism.

I think it’s vital to call this shit out, though, so here I am.

The expression “girlfriend mode” is really fucking sexist, and needs to die. Just say “n00b mode.” It’s shorter, sounds more gamer-geeky, and (best of all!) won’t make female gamers like me have a moment of wondering if we really want to keep buying your games if you think so poorly of us.

A couple worth-reading pieces on the subject:

“Girlfriend Mode,” Borderlands 2, and Why Being a Dude Rocks
Borderlands 2 “Girlfriend Mode”: Why a Casual Misstep Matters

 

I’m glad that people are calling out shit like this. The more we call it out, the sooner it’ll stop fucking happening.

(Confession: yes, I will buy Borderlands 2. I’m really psyched for it, it looks awesome, and if it has even half the replayability of Borderlands, it’ll be money well spent. But I suspect that, like with Borderlands, I won’t be able to stomach playing the female characters and will be annoyed by the female NPCs. On the bright side, it’s likely to be far and away less sexist than a lot of other games out there! At least Borderlands didn’t seem to think its female avatar needed an attempted rape to be sympathetic.)

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